Monday, November 30, 2009
Soccer
The offsides rule in soccer is a conspiracy to make the game even more boring. I believe the rule was institute in a successful attempt to eliminate any chance for excitement in the game. In basketball, players are allowed to do what soccer players are forbidden to do by the offsides rule. In this basketball situation, a fast break occurs, which usually ends in a slam dunk, or in other words, excitement.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
N-word
I've heard it's okay for a white person to say the n-word if they are singing a song. Does that rule apply if it's one of those old racist songs that use the n-word?... Maybe I'll ask that black guy that I knew once.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Toilet Paper Game Plan
Any self-respecting man has what I call a Toilet Paper Game Plan. A Toilet Paper Game Plan is a well-thought-out strategy designed to maximize efficiency when wiping after going poop. I believe I have practiced my Toilet Paper Game Plan to the point of perfection and would like to share it with the world:
-Step 1: Begin with about 6-8 squares of tp. Fold it neatly in half until you have one thick square. Wipe once, fold in half, and wipe again. After this part, make sure to pull off another 6-8 squares. If you don't, you may be in risk of wiping poop back on yourself. Keep using this strategy until you are getting less than about a square inch of poop on the tp when you wipe. (And no, it's not considered gross to look at it afterward. How else are you supposed to know when you're done?)
-Step 2: Now, break off about 4-6 squares of toilet paper, but this time, ball it up in your hand instead of neatly folding it into a square. This gives your wiping apparatus some edges, so you can really get up in there for a thorough cleaning (in comparison to Step 1, which was just going for a general sweep of the area). You have to be a little more careful when folding and repeating this time, but with experience, you can get 2 or 3 wipes in with the same wad. Repeat this step until you see no more poop on the toilet paper.
-Step 3: WARNING! You are not finished! Do not get lazy and skip this step... Carefully stand up, yes, stand up, and give yourself a Step 2. When you stand up, a veritable miracle occurs. Something shifts in the body, and there will now be a little bit more to wipe. It shouldn't take more than one wad of tp.
Don't forget to put your pants back on.
-Step 1: Begin with about 6-8 squares of tp. Fold it neatly in half until you have one thick square. Wipe once, fold in half, and wipe again. After this part, make sure to pull off another 6-8 squares. If you don't, you may be in risk of wiping poop back on yourself. Keep using this strategy until you are getting less than about a square inch of poop on the tp when you wipe. (And no, it's not considered gross to look at it afterward. How else are you supposed to know when you're done?)
-Step 2: Now, break off about 4-6 squares of toilet paper, but this time, ball it up in your hand instead of neatly folding it into a square. This gives your wiping apparatus some edges, so you can really get up in there for a thorough cleaning (in comparison to Step 1, which was just going for a general sweep of the area). You have to be a little more careful when folding and repeating this time, but with experience, you can get 2 or 3 wipes in with the same wad. Repeat this step until you see no more poop on the toilet paper.
-Step 3: WARNING! You are not finished! Do not get lazy and skip this step... Carefully stand up, yes, stand up, and give yourself a Step 2. When you stand up, a veritable miracle occurs. Something shifts in the body, and there will now be a little bit more to wipe. It shouldn't take more than one wad of tp.
Don't forget to put your pants back on.
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